拜读了李老师的新文，又是惊喜。原来“多少能自知”？

归咎“曲高和寡”、“怀才不遇”、“树大招风”、“红颜薄命”........ 没有自知之明，难免死得很难看。你和自己之间“误会”了，重重如大气层九重天，粘了点尴尬。

何必曲高，和寡的多是曲低加烂词。何况天下并非常有清越脱俗之音，而世人多爱载歌载舞的皱琳与结伦。除非你是王菲，然而人间只有那么一位，眼看她老人家(尊称而已)退隐江湖了，暂时我们也不需要一个新的。

怀才，若能与时并进，遇机缘惜机缘，最多让你迟遇，不致于不遇。不遇的，不是无才，便是先天后天皆不足，或自愿隐去、放弃。终生不遇？对不起，那真是运气太差了，不如下世再来过？

风动，旗动，心动，一切等无差异，残花、败柳、枯枝、黄叶，都面对大风吹。树大又如何？人家兜风耳都从不埋怨，或自喜。

至于薄命，那更不是红颜的专利，君不见红颜多留到白头?试问哪位婆婆不曾红颜？

看浩瀚网络中，自命不凡的已何其多。以为自己帅的、美的、性感的、有性格的、怀才的、另类的、清高的、人见人爱的......... 因此套用她老人家的话：

每个人，应该自爱自重自强，当怨恨世界对你不起时，先把大门关上，在灯下好好检讨，扪心自问：“我是否曲高？怀才？树大？红颜？”在天地澄明的一刹，你会惊觉原来自己如此渺小。

===========================================

喜欢那句“天地澄明的一刹，惊觉自己如此渺小”。哈哈。但能时刻保持自觉，加感恩，最好了。因此我(们)知道，我是一个等开工的受薪男员工。我是芸芸众生一员。我上班，也望下班。我爱自由，但自由价大付不起，只好拉倒，默默耕耘。

Current Location: PJ
Current Mood: bouncy

那一年在巴生，05’第五组，一群废废的学生。开心的日子总会留在心中。 这晚饭我们边吃边笑，笑得面颊都酸疼了，一直到人家打烊了。我想是难得的。

想起05年也有伤心的时候 --谁能避免情逝？长夜哭泣到天明，但往事如烟，还是得
抖擞、振作，路不是不用赶了。


祝大家前程似锦。

(听回一首旧歌，十多年仿佛一幌眼儿的过去了)

谁能忘怀晨雾中，有你吻着半醒的身？
谁能忘怀长夜中，共你笑着，笑的多真？
痴共醉、多么的想跟你再追，
然而从没根的我必须去

抬头前行吧，请你！
尽管他朝必然想你
来年和来月请你淡忘
曾共风中一野花躺过
曾共风中一个她恋过

来年人随年渐长，你会发现你的方向，
忘遗从前流浪中，倦了，爱睡我的中央
风共我　也许一天于天涯途上
来回寻觅中找到我所想

抬头前行吧，
准我泪水哭出之前舍你
来年和来月请你尽淡忘
曾共风中一野花躺过
曾共风中一个她恋过

临行前，来吧，亲我！
用当天的小名呼我
来年和来月请你淡忘
曾共风中一野花躺过
曾共风中一个她恋过

(野花 林忆莲)

Current Location: Pj
Current Mood: touched

算我老饼。

听来听去的都是“过时的歌”。R也埋怨了，仿佛两家隔了七重山的代沟。我说我尝试了，但真的听不久“豁出去漫游，不通知亲友....”之类的。

还说起胭脂扣，我兴致勃勃的，但人家觉得“像鬼”。哎。说霸王别姬，但如果一点文革历史、京剧背景都不懂的，如何体会？我说我更爱看民初至三四十年代的，帝王制度以后，共产共和之前的那一段暧昧时光。华丽而苍凉，张爱玲可是那儿走过来的啊。胭脂水粉会很闷吗？功夫的背景也是那种吧？孤恋花和茉莉花，也都开在那个年代了。五十至六七十年代的台湾与香港，花样年华啊，还有小凤与丽君姐的靡靡之音陪伴众生。最近看孽子，瞧那背景，柯俊雄沉溺似的缅怀过去，柯淑勤为男人离家弃子，然后父子三在那似曾相似的小宿舍和长街上的生活 -- 不是没感觉啊。还有我爱看穿旗袍的的女人，穿得好看是福气。最早的印象中的旗袍，穿在董雅西(好美的名儿！)老师身上。

回忆总是温柔的(忆莲某年精选集！！) -- 想起他的小女孩，四、五岁会唱整首FLY AWAY。还表演于众人前呢，加舞蹈。FIR的。她爸爸也最疼她了，谈起她时总是那么开心。每每听着，听着，竟无言无故的莫名感动。后来见过她几次，真是冰雪聪敏那种。今年应该上幼稚园了？便便不疼了吧？而弟弟呢，是否还那么顽皮?

-- 他们应该已慢慢地，慢慢地，不，记，得，我，了。

不打紧。不要紧。四月里，让我们将往事留在风中。我不会唱FIR的fly away，但万芳小姐的，却是我一直的心头爱。听“这是一个真实的世界，想要承受就要接受不完美，趁我还能微笑的时候，请你转身 fly away ”，竟有着王菲的“天大地大，世界比你想象中朦胧，我不忍心再欺哄，但愿你听得懂”的异曲同工啊。

最后一杯咖啡
温暖了手 芬芳了别离
含泪的双眼 闪闪动人
像一句诺言

云散开了 阳光露脸
心满足了 只遗憾 不埋怨

看遍人来人往 缘起缘灭 不该怕改变
有人斜风细雨 天涯海角 终究能团圆
爱收好了 有缘再见
风扬起了 请放心 Fly away

想念了 就从遥远的城市寄张明信片
伤心了 打通电话 我会给你抚慰

这是一个真实的世界
想要成熟就要接受不完美
趁我还能微笑的时候
请你转身 fly away

Current Location: PJ
Current Mood: content

Hanging names in the air
Drawing faces in water
But your colour faded
Beneath the raincoat I opened my palms
I saw rusty gold dust
flickering past
whipping past
flashing past
who did freezing those frames?

The afternoon was warm
with your lovely new man in arm
There you went Oh the party and the friends
Boy you mustn't miss the fun

The toys were cremated
at your feet
Still you were as you were
Once the One who left us gifts
of scare and scars

I failed to imitate you
the charisma of a chameleon
your display of the pretending arts.
Called it a lesson, 'though it hurt
They said let go, and let go
and let you deny the bitterness
as your instinctual drive would.

I couldn't cut your double tongue
that grew faster than the creeper
While i was wondering
how did you still do so well
Time had passed us by
and shown us how it did go so fast

Somewhere where the wild flowers bloom
I hear no deceiving voice
I let nature take m y course
I don't buy your story
anymore
M y b a b y is swimming c a l m in the pool,
he knows i'm watching him,
from far i'm watching him
Y e s he knows he knows.
Chewing my appleseeds
i get a taste of your meat.

So I bravely chopped down
the chinese blossom tree last night
that once our canopy
that housed too many memories


I do not need what hurts me
(I'm self-hynoptizing)

Current Location: Pj
Current Mood: awake

Busy life gets busier. Towards the end -- or i shall say the beginning -- i'm getting tired, wondering if i am well prepared enough for this test, this career, this life.

Being more analytical makes one look skeptical, and perhaps sarcastic sometimes. But things around us remain ironic still.

Keep moving on, on an invisible track. Along the way the scenery grows in different lights, the present and the past undulate in my perception.

Don't miss the scenes, they say, and the stones in the road shine like diamonds in the dust.

Yes i'm going home, a small reunion,xiao tuanyuan

Tags: old articles
Current Location: Pj
Current Mood: calm

If the lesbians and gays do not stand on firm ground, and be sensitive to their own image and rights, destigmatisation and delabelling might forever be dreams too far to realize.

Discrimination does not end, as with racism never puts human on equal ground. Some come up with various jokes and tales, seem funny but plainly discriminatory.

To be frank i think it is just heterosexism, another form of manifestation, most probably made by some homophobics or straights who do nothing less than teasing and ridiculing the homosexuals to an inferior image.

For whose benefits we're not sure, perhaps done with a safety sense for themselves remaining as the "major" and superior. I'm sorry that we don't appraciate jokes which equate gays to the abnormal, the sinner, or paedophilias and paraphilia. Equating to prostitutes who are basically workers of another kind is unfair to both, us and these workers. A two-headed insult. Making no sense at all, this pollution of thoughts spreads like a religious fallacy no one dares dispell. Will we be brave enough to stand up, or to remain silent is already a courage?

Tags: old articles
Current Location: Pj

你消失的那天 晴朗无雨
空气质量 据说是一级
这个城市少有 少有的洁净
我以为你只是出去 呼吸 呼吸

你的抽屉慌乱如昔

你的头发还缠绕在梳子里

你的开门声 随时会响起

我等了又等 是你晒在阳台的衣服

时间匆匆折断 直到死去
你来得汹涌 走的细腻
那时的你在那天 不曾离去
我淹没在 没有你的爱
我溺在街中 无休止的倒叙
追逐背影 追逐相似的步履
每一个晴朗的天气
都长满疼痛的标记

你的推门声 随时会响起
我等了又等 只是你晒在阳台的衣服

Current Location: PJ

Wasn't a good day...having to spend money on unnecessary stuffs, could have prevented it, but.. too late. I just have to be more careful next time. See with eyes, hear with ears, be alert and mindful. My brain seems not functioning at its best, am i getting dementic, or subconsciously oblivous?

Been listening to a song, like a kids song he said, but it's that familiar voice. It is that familiar voice from, well, those days. She's been there, and is still there, i believe. Some mimicking her, but so far (to me) none has reached.

I copied down the words - without permission of course. They are simple, more of beautiful. Won't do no good to see no rainbow, the fortune of surviving a storm is already a blessing. Therefore life goes on .. ..


爱笑的天使 嘴角上扬，
欣然而至 崭新的脸庞，
不闪不躲，盈盈亮亮，
面朝纯白，背向金黄。

爱笑的天使 没有翅膀，
嫣然一笑就飞翔，
笑容在心里，快乐在脸上，
不说一句 教人善良。

爱笑的天使, 嘴角上扬，
混然不觉，兀自安详，
不惹尘埃，不起风浪，
在你身上我看到了光。

爱笑的天使, 没有翅膀，
嫣然一笑就飞翔，
笑容在心里，快乐在脸上，
不说一句 教人善良。

爱笑的天使爱歌唱，
带来人间希望，
不需要翅膀
嫣然一笑，就能快乐飞翔。

Current Location: PJ
Current Mood: awake

Escape. Communicate. Attempts. Mending. Guilt. Nervous. Tears. Diet cokes. Gun. jackal. Goats. Peeping. Sister. Brothers. Family. Village. Shot. Blood. Mute. Deaf. Hairy. J-pop. Body. Rebellious. Exposed. Naked. Emptiness. Emptiness. Emptiness. Provocative. Gift. Nanny. Wedding. In-charge. Kids. Hermit crab. Boundaries. Son. Party. Songs. Old clothes. Celebration. Run. Desert. Imigrant. Hours. Parents. Love. Friends. Ectasy. Pills. Dinner. Masturbation. Procedure. Protocols. Media. Terrorisist. Ambulance. Doctor. Bus. Puff. Prayer. Peed my pant. Help. Attention. Listen. Passerby. Innocence. Ignorance. Death. Wound. Stitch. Illegal. Misunderstanding. Supposed. Real. Very real. Emergency. Delay. Question. Answer. Sequence. Consequence. Dying. Confession. Traumatised. Music. Sounds. Lights. Voices. Deportation. Mother. Suicide. Query suicide. Survive. Naive. Be alone. Hold my hand. and hug me now.


10/2/07
Near. Far. Deep. Shallow. Profound. Superficial.
Interlinkage.
I remember another movie interweaving stories of 3 women from 3 eras, The Hours. Should the characters were caves, upon excavation, found were tunnels connecting and criss-crossing each other, perhaps of different space and time, but they surface to daylight one day. Here's another film well structured, and cold. But the coldness scorches. Babel - a confusion, of voice and sounds. As said (by the director?) in the web "....very litle physicality of this role... I relied on her to sustain the gravity of the story."

Who can, admidst the pain, penetrate to unmask and unravel the other side of suffering?

Grounded. I'm gravitated.

Current Location: Pj
Current Mood: creative

Maybe to call suicidal behavior a stupid act can be just as bad as calling anyone with deformity a sin. It does not help, it serves no constructive purpose except to express one's own feelings which often reflects nothing but his/her knowledge and attitute. Suicide accounts for minimumly 1% of death, and of the two main sets of interacting causes can be social (like interpersonal stressors/ isolation/ chronic illnesss/ old age etc) or medical factors - depression, schizophrenia, alcohol and drug dependence, personality e.g. Borderline personality disorder are associated. There are also cases of deliberate self-harm, where majority revealed the act was simply impulsive rather than premeditated. They could be seeking unconsciusness as a temporary escape from preexisting problems, as a way reminding themselves they're still alive, or uncertain whether or not they intended to die, or, very frequent just trying to influnece someone / gain attention - e.g. making the partner feel guilty for threatening to end a relationsip -- and this is intepreted as a "cry for help" a signal of distress shold never be overlooked. People now develop many risk-scoring systems in assessing suicidality, people trying best to identify the predisposing factors, precipitating factors, propagating factors; people look at the outcome aspects of it, and working on the prevention as well as education. There are at the same time lots and lots of fallacies and myths to be dispelled, too.

Throughout ages many theories were postulated, Freud emphasized the role of hostility turned 180' against the self. Karl Menninger elaborated on that suggesting all suicides have three interrelated and unconscious dimensions: revenge/hate (a wish to kill), depression/hopelessness (a wish to die), and guilt (a wish to be killed). Cognitive theorists emphasize the role of inflexible thinking like tunnel vision (life is awful, death is the only alternative) and an inability to generate solutions. Whatever it is, most important is what we can do for these people with intentional self-aflicted death seeking behaviour. We often see people scolding his friend, shouting at his face stupid/idiot/moron, for all he does perhaps enough to show his care while stressing how unworthy dying for that bastard man (the betrayer, perhaps). But sometimes, things may not be as simple as that hence proper assessment and counseling are essential. Counseling bodies do offer invaluable helps to many of these people. But certain issues like how to reach out for them is one of the many concerns, and lots of successful suicides were done well prepared not even the family members noticed any strange sign. Certainly not to forget intervention from the psychiatric is crucial in many cases especially when dealing with depression, psychosis etc.

I often think that a more humane attitute is what people need nowadays. Gender and sexuality, wars and porvety, faiths and beliefs, and here the suicidality. Of course it isn't something easy and there is generally no universal guideline on how to be one. But with exposures and learning, and compassion perhaps, the thinking mind gets more analytical and it evolves. This is what we (at the least) are capable of.

Tags: old articles
Current Location: Pj
Current Mood: awake